Cosmetic labels are linguistic wonders…

And we’re still following on:

What other literary form serves up so much suggested promise while remaining— for legal reasons no doubt, so thoroughly content free?

It’s unfathomable really…

IMG_4691 fix 222Unfathomable perhaps, but it also just happens to be both a trick and a rhetorical question, because everyone knows there’s not a wider selection of swill to be found anywhere in the world, than on wine-menus. But while descriptions of wines at least only pushes the boundaries of creative writing without affecting its taste; with cosmetics— mainly in the hair-care range, there seems to be a desire to push the very boundaries of nature itself— which isn’t nearly so tender to the tongue.

So much so, I feel my dream qualification is finally on the verge of being realised: the field of un-natural science, where I can finally combine my skills to create a superior face-cream that “reduces the appearance of being a raddled old hack.”

A major supermarket chain has in the meantime created its own wonder of nature with its exclusive: Physique hair-care range, which “cleverly uses magnetic-like forces to create the style you want.” Quite how cleverly and magnetic-like, remains to be seen, but I distinctly recall something about attraction and repulsion as long ago as ‘little’ school, and while it would be the perfect means to keep the proximity of boys and girls’ faces to a minimum, the last thing we’d want would be a generation of boys’ heads being thrust together uncontrollably, particularly at such an impressionable age.

Maybe the Volume Collection just employs good old-fashioned electro-static forces— the force that dares not speak its name in applied trichology since being implicated in the dreaded “fly-away hair” scandal of ’87 or more recently— as proposed right here, with the unlicensed testing on old-aged pensioners: an essential read I assure you.

And then there’s the Control Collection for smooth sleekness, as opposed to that ‘other’ type of sleekness that lacks both? Perhaps it was developed for bonces with surface tension issues, we may never know. I on the other hand have more reason to fear:

Gukk: using the strong nuclear force to stay all day

Which doesn’t sound much like a barn-burner to me; rather something you’d evacuate the whole farm for… and then at least give the surrounding villages a heads-up.

At least it’s not as mind-bogglingly stupid as responding to “permanent, light reflecting colour”.  with totally non-light-reflecting hair dye; for a completely natural look..

Natural look?

It would reflect darkness for crying out loud!

Which under some circumstances, I agree might be cool! If it wasn’t so f@#$%*£ stupid…

Besides. I have a follow-up!

30 thoughts on “Cosmetic labels are linguistic wonders…

  1. maddvmilliner

    This is such a unique and funny way of looking at it 😀 The descriptions of the ‘miraculous abilities’ of hair-care products these days are bonkers. Also I cracked up at “something you’d evacuate the whole farm for”. An entertaining read!

  2. Pingback: I used to love a bit of mouse with my vampirism until the cat started looking at me funny… | Just a Little Background Noise 2.0

  3. merbear74

    I would come home, all excited about some “new” product…and then be tragically disappointed. Now, I let the hair stay the color it was intended, grey and all. My cheap, trusted shampoo assures me that it is clean. It is all stupid. I don’t fall for it anymore….um…mostly. :).

      1. merbear74

        Oh, yeah..many old people and swarming bugs. Nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t last very long. I like a chill in the air now and then. 🙂

  4. ksbeth

    i would like to create a skincare line that is activated when applied and your skin then touches the air. it will promise to take off 5.3 minutes of your age each day. the anti picture of dorian gray line.

  5. yakinamac


    I think there might be an even better example of pushing the limits of linguistic nonsense-bags, though – those ads for perfume in the duty-free mags on aeroplanes. Sadly, I don’t have a copy to hand, but I did find this rather wonderful example from a marketing piece on Issy Mayake’s bizarrely named perfume, “Pleats Please”: The perfume is apparently “a trans-cultural bridge between the East and West” whilst the packaging deserves its own special mention: “The ridges stand out on the bottle surface in an interplay of convex and concave volumes. Bright colors have been supplanted by understated highlights with pink highlights.”


    1. JALBN 2.0 Ishmael Received Post author


      Oh you must find one! lol

      There is so much of this wonderful nonsense out there that somehow evades the majority of peoples’ bullshit detectors – which is almost as precious…

      I remember an advert a few years ago that had the usual hair-flicks and flashy camerawork before the narrator actually uttered, ‘now for the science!



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