The Alternative Advent: Day 5
Strange things are afoot—
And far far stranger than feet…
The disappearance of socks is an enduring mystery for sure. As far as phenomena go, it is quite simply the Linear B of domestic curiosities. I’m not sure if it’s a complex which manifests as frustration owing to the bewilderment that surrounds it; its very odd ubiquitousness that gives it its general appeal thus adding to an already confounding character; or the fact this vicious cycle is in some-way exacerbated by the spinning nature of washing the things in the first place. Whatever it is, it is the exception to the rule of what goes around, comes around, because all too frequently, socks forget to do the latter.
It certainly isn’t an occurrence isolated by a dip in landmass, since no mater how far from the edge of whatever body of water one may loiter, the chasm of lost socks is a deep and peculiar one.
It’s so peculiar in fact, that I couldn’t possibly hazard a say as to where they go either— not even if I was in the mood to inkle readily; and this despite years of spying on them. It’s an embarrassing thing to admit: being outwitted by foot-sheaths, but there you go— I can say it’s been a trait of my own laundry-blues where ever I go— and it is this, above all else which seems to be its most irritating irony.
How is it that lost socks seem to follow a person despite being so utterly incapable of staying in the one place?
It would be all too convenient to dismiss the disappearance of socks after a good spin in the same way we do the the appearance of bright lights in the sky— you wouldn’t normally associate high jinx with an item of clothing after all; but there is something otherworldly about it. So much so, the thought of attaching GPS to something meant to comfort you whilst walking, instead of causing unrest by walking off— would be pointless, particularly when there are far more useful ways to examine the limits of these devices.
I’ve often wondered what time is it at the North Pole exactly, and whether there is something about 90 degrees North that’d cause the signal to malfunction. It’s the romantic in me that’d like to believe these devices would think of this latitude as an infinite.
In many ways, it’s thought trains like this that’ve always had me wondering whether there are more practical uses for such equipment. For instance, I’ve long imagined modifying underwater sonar technology to produce the world’s most powerful, independently targeted loud speakers. Just the thought of being able to pick out a particular person with a focused packet of sound that remained inaudible until bouncing would be highly jinxing indeed…
But such a fleeting mention seems a waste of an Alternative Advent to me, and unless I’m very much mistaken nothing whatsoever to do with socks.
Five minutes with a laptop however is quite adequate to put that right— and there’s nowhere more chuckle inducing than a quick browse of the patents pages, as the lengths that some will go to describe their ‘inventions’ is truly comic…
There are radiation-free boat socks; two-way socks, described as a sock structure with two sides both capable of being worn; shoes with socks which may have additional miniature stylish designs; toe-independent antibiosis and stink prevention socks which describe the ‘processing process thereof’; outdoor waterproof non-slip Pet Socks;the antibacterial warm-keeping wearable sock; latex toe sock; Acupoint therapy socks, which you could be forgiven for thinking they’re to be recycled after use in the kitchen…
However, in keeping with the issue of hungry white appliances with a taste for tubular threads, I did find a device for keeping paired socks and similar before, during and after washing, imaginatively called: A device for keeping paired socks and similar before, during and after washing.
But no mention whatsoever of GPS…
A noted poet was once asked in an interview if he could explain one of his poems, in ordinary terms. He replied with some feeling:
If I could say what I meant in ordinary terms I would not have had to write the poem…
I feel exactly the same way about blogging
Just a Little Background Noise 2.0 
Socks, missing socks, missing fuzzy socks…bah! I do love the last two remarks of your blog and will just kick myself for not coming up with it on my own. You are just too clever.
Haha! Thank you very much, I get that a lot :p
I’m glad you liked it – I must confess to having had a chuckle about it myself! 😀
I just love finding a way to be creative or being imaginative with the most ordinary and uninspired things. Give me drab, lol
Of course sometimes it’s just rubbish! 😀 I hope you never look at socks the same way again!
I have the solution to missing socks! Follow the example of the guy in this photo, and you’ll be set for life and never be sockless again! 😉 – http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4082/4879829621_1d3580e0ba_o.jpg
Ha! I’d be jumping out of the shower with a set of stumps!
I like the idea of desperation tattoos though, brilliant 😀
I got the idea to look up sock tattoos, from your post and from remembering a really bizarre photo I saw once with someone who had full Nike sneaker tattoos on both feet… I know that in the inner city, in some cities, there is an actual sneaker theft problem, and I wonder if the person’s air Jordan’s got stolen one too many times, or something like that… maybe it was just cheaper to get the tattoos then buy the shoes, which I’ve heard can be quite expensive… definitely an even funnier example of desperation tattoos, if either of my speculations for the reasons for them are correct!
*snort*
I think the real reason was probably less interesting and far less inspired… I think you have to be a little bit special to go through all that! It’s pretty funny though 😀
I’d be buying cheap shoes before resorting to that… Maybe they thought it was cute or post-fashionable? Mindboggling! Ha!
I have held onto piles of missing socks for years hoping I’d find the mate. When does the mate finally appear? When I finally throw out the singles I’d been holding encase. Never mind that I had cleaned the house top to bottom in that time and even looked underneath dressers and such. I think there is a dimension specifically reserved for socks.
There should be a match.com for them – but that could be cruel without the appropriate abandonment therapy. But that’s absurd, they’re socks. Alone 😮
Wormholes live in washing machines, not CERN! Then there’s tubes, spin, cycle – the very words must have something to do with it – as a lexical field, they probably dizzy themselves from existence by unravelling space…
haha The thing is I never find the missing socks in or around the washing machine generally they are right in the open on a coffee table or something. Where did they come from exactly? How have I missed them for a full year if they were always there?
My sister used to have a revolting habit of leaving her socks all over the place. I’ll have to find out if she still does – I think the phantom zone is preferable to that. It puts skin on my teeth just thinking about it! :p
Unmatched socks make the best hand puppets. 🙂
I saw that ‘sock-monkeys’ are pretty popular. I like monkeys 🙂
Yes, I know you do! 🙂 You would love the monkey island at the zoo we have here, then.
They’re too distracting. It’s worse when you start to tail off mid-sentence and start grinning instead because you’ve just imagined something to do with monkeys…
Those monkeys can be wildly entertaining.
I do have an advent post about monkeys, obviously but I haven’t solved some of the issues with it – it’s all idea no substance yet!
I’ve got my tangent stuff to finish yet – woohoo, more monkeys! 😀
you are too funny….especially as I’m staring into a basket full of white socks, none of which match! 🙂
Hahahaha! Right! It’s unchecked funny business for sure! 😀
and i agree about the poetry and blogging and i now understand why i have many of your single socks just lying about in my garden.
*snort* there’s an imbalance somewhere in the universe being offset by them. Scary thought. But at least it doesn’t really matter if socks match. Imagine if we had shoes flying all over the place!